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Not really sure where to start...um...hmmm....Iapos;m kinda, no...really sick of being so huge.� Iapos;m tall, and meant to be thin.� Iapos;ve lost so much control with my life...fasting seems like the only thing I can do thatapos;s on MY terms.� Fasting feels like....for once, Iapos;m in charge, and itapos;s a really nice feeling to finally be able to do what I want, and I want to be thin.�

My entire life, everyone (family, friends, school...everyone) made me do things their way...including my own freakinapos; body� I had to be chubby cause my family would tell me I wasnapos;t allowed to be pretty.

Iapos;m sick of food...sick of fat...sick of being ugly.

Any advice?

Thanks for listening...kinda helped to get it off my chest after all these years.

� I deserve to be thin....right?








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I recall bits and pieces of the early parts. I remember my dad reading some kind of ultra-summarized version of the last Harry Potter book because he wanted to know what happened, heh. And I remember being at work and trying to find an open locker and being unable to. The break room, for some reason, was full of books, games and DVDs that employees could check out, just like a library. But the only really clear part of the dream came after that.

I was out with my roommate and we were looking at a huge display of dolls in a store. There were two different dolls that caught my eye. The first was a female doll with long brown hair that came in a sleek gold dress and held an umbrella. She came in a few different varieties and had a huge number of extra dresses you could buy. The second doll only came in one variant. It was a blond man wearing an aqua-colored vest over a white shirt with poofy sleeves. The female doll came with so many extras, and had a yellow umbrella just like mine, that initially I picked her. But then suddenly I realized that the male doll was modeled on a famous composer, and I abruptly picked him instead.

And then I WAS him.

I lived in a dirty, polluted city with no greenery. (It actually looked like a slightly lower-tech version of Midgar from Final Fantasy VII.) I had a small room with a piano in the corner and made a small living off my compositions, and would occasionally play in a bar for some extra cash. However, I usually quickly lost all my money at the racetrack. I had two close friends. One was a completely generic guy whose face I donapos;t remember at all, and one was Kazuki from GetBackers. Kazuki was in a relationship with Juubei in the dream, but I never actually saw Juubei. I was happy for Kazuki but also a little bit jealous because he was so happy and I was so lonely. I was in love with Generic Guy (GG from now on) but he thought I loved Kazuki.

The one scene I clearly remember involved a scandalous tabloid article asserting that I had previously been married but my wife had left me after she caught me having an affair with another man. GG came to my room and showed me the article, and I was horrified. I wondered who had told the tabloid the story and why. GG couldnapos;t believe that it was actually true. He was appalled that I would marry someone and then live a lie behind her back. "I needed money," I said.

This just made him even more angry. "Itapos;s still adultery" he shouted. "Selling your body is still adultery"

"That isnapos;t what happened" I said, but he stormed off, leaving the paper behind. I sat there alone in my tiny, messy apartment, staring at the article and remembering the truth behind the incident in question.

Except that I donapos;t actually really remember the truth behind the incident, because around then one of the cats decided that he REALLY wanted to get up on my dresser and see what was behind my Fushigi Yuugi wallscroll and maybe knock some action figures over while he was at it, so I woke up.

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I was driving home from work, on my way to vote, and I stopped to let a pedestrian cross the street. Just as he cleared the street, but before I could move forward, someone came off a side street and drove into my car

What a jolt It was a white half-ton truck.� And he smooshed the side rear panel of my pretty, new (less than a year old) Mazda 3.�

We did the insurance exchange thing and he was just a young fella ... Actually, heapos;s one of my clients, which makes me wonder if heapos;s due for a new eye exam.�� (Kinda wondering if his double vision has come back, and what kind of conflict of interest does that present since I�am legally bound not to disclose that??)

He wants a chance to pay for it on his own, so Iapos;ll get an estimate tomorrow and given him a chance.�� Mind you, heapos;ll also have to pay for rental car when mine is being fixed, so ...� But I am sure he is not keen on having his insurance go up next year.� (And yes, I�did tell this to my insurance agent and he has agreed to hold off on filing the claim until this guy can decide if he wants to pay for it or not.)

Amazing - even though I was not hurt, and the car is drivable, etc., I got a bad case of the shakes after.� Must have been a combination of the "what ifs" and the adrenalin rush.� And because I�am a good doobie, I still went to vote before going home�

Sigh. � Kinda ruined my day, yapos;know?��

And I am a bit worried - it really threw me forward quite hard (thank God I always wear a seat belt), and my neck and shoulders are already a bit achy. Time for some Advil and heating pad to ward that off at the pass...
�

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Als ik iets kennelijk niet gedaan heb.. Dan vraag je toch niet heel belerend apos;waar staat dat?apos;?

:apos;(

Hoop daapos;k de resultatensectie afkrijg vandaag, het loopt me de spuigaten uit.

In het dek van een schip bevinden zich aan beide kanten spui- of spijgaten. Dat zijn gaten waardoor water kan wegstromen. Bijvoorbeeld als het dek wordt schoongemaakt. Of als het stormt. Want reken maar dat er bij stormweer heel wat zeewater op het dek terechtkomt. Hoe harder het water dan uit de spuigaten loopt, hoe erger het noodweer is
Uit: Spreekwoordenboek voor kinderen. ISBN 978-90-438-0700-5
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Friend, with whom I was going to walk, has postponed it until 1230 today. I canapos;t be annoyed- Iapos;ve had days where I canapos;t remember my schedule, too. I just wish Iapos;d known about it: I would have gone swimming this morning. Tomorrow I WILL go swimming because I know weapos;re meeting and walking at 2 pm.

Tried to watch the last of this weekapos;s True Blood on tv last night, friend didnapos;t leave until 15 minutes before the end so caught the last 15 minutes. I know that itapos;s available on HBO on demand, but we have the dish so we donapos;t get On Demand. And since our dish is not interconnected with our phone line, we also donapos;t get Pay Per View.

Toad has decided he would like to try for law school. He says Miss P has agreed to be his sugar mama while he does school. Application evidently a long process; I refuse to get worked up. He knows that while we could let him have a little cash each month, we donapos;t have the money for law school. Plus? I think heapos;s going to find it harder to get loans what with the credit-tightening situation and the general economy.

If he wants it, I want him to go for it. I hate to give up on him becoming a cop, though. I have to remind myself that a son who wants to go to law school is generally considered a good thing. How stupid am I, that I have to tell myself that? And heapos;s certainly capable of doing the work; the kidapos;s smart. And he wants to do civil rights law.

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I went to the folk fest this weekend and it was better than when the national one was here last year in terms of the acts. Hereapos;s a vid I have of the opening act they did every day, the Mayan sun dance ritual. Itapos;s very short and you need to know there is only a simple knot around the waist and one foot wrapped once around a rope that keeps them up.



What you canapos;t see is thereapos;s a guy standing on top of this pole playing the flute, banging on a drum, and stomping his feet all at the same time. I was laying on my back and shooting up during this because the pole is 90 feet high, and I was at the front.

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In short:

Went to the game Sunday. The Fighters won the game and thus the series, I made some new friends, saw some old acquaintances, etc, at the game. I was interviewed by Hokkaido Broadcasting Company. No idea if it made it to TV.

Went to Dotonbori afterwards with Matt and John, ate okonomiyaki, marvelled at Osaka nightlife. Matt was interviewed by a Korean TV crew. No idea why. Hope it doesnapos;t make it to TV.

Monday, met up with Nadya at Koshien, we went on an excursion to Naruohama to find the Hanshin minor league park. Found it, took photos, met a crazy old dude, etc. Had a great time just walking and talking.

Ended up having to take a Green Car back to Tokyo, which cost like 18,000 yen. Fell asleep for most of the ride anyway. Doh.

Home, doing laundry. More later. Kinda good to have a weekend away from the computer in some ways.

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